My boyfriend committed suicide on the 7th of Jan. I have experienced every bad emotions a human can experience. On top of all, I feel extremely guilty and angry. I just don't get it.
You see, after his death, I found out he suffered from "borderline personality disorder" his first suicide attempt took place 20 years ago in front of his own mother. He overdose a full bottle of seizure pill (He suffered from epilepsy seizure up till freshman year in college), he also suffered from childhood physical and verbal abuse (now I think he might have imagined it), while dating his ex girlfriend, he threatened suicide couple times. while dating me, he threatened suicide ALL THE TIME, and did have two suicide attempts. First time, cut his wrist open in front of my eyes, while I was crying and begging him to stop, and tried to grab his razor almost cut myself in the process. The second time, he sent me a photo of his bloody arm, in order to make the photo look even more graphic, he put tomato sauce on top of it. I always thought he was just an annoying drama queen.
What really messed up was that he even told me "I didn't want to die, I just want to see how you react, just want you to know how much you hurt me. If I really want to die, I'd cut to the bone, right?" You see, it all made sense to me back then, so I though he never really wanted to die.
But this one last time, it was all done very very differently, he purposely missed a job interview, he called me I think he just wanted to pick a fight, after 3 4 times back and forth back and forth reassured him I still loved him, I finally lost it, I said, "how about I don't love you at this moment, you are being so unreasonable." he then said, "Let's just end it all now, cannot stand this anymore." I said, "you want to break up with me?!" he goes "No, I want to end my life." I then said "whatever, here we go again."
Needless to say, I would have to live with this guilt for the rest of my life. But this one last time, he was alone, he hung himself with a belt. I feel extremely betrayed. Hanging is something he never ever mention to me once. and police officer told me he hung himself with a belt ON the door. I discussed this with friends, and they all told me that needed lots preparation and planning. We still couldn't figure out how one can hang himself on the door using a belt. (I guess what I am trying to say is that it is not something somebody would think of if they were angry at the moment.)
I am so confused. I guess I am trying to get answers here before I drive myself insane.

My question is that do you think my boyfriend planned this? My grief counselor told me her guess was that suicide thought had never really left his thought completely throughout his entire life. Then it made sense to me, because he always made comments like, "I could be dead in this apartment for months, nobody would know it because nobody care for me." I now can see that. But this whole belt thing still doesn't make sense to me I always thought he would cut himself, but hanging is something he never mentioned to me, not even once.
Do you think he might have planned all this? Oh, it was just an accident to "teach me a lesson."