I don't want to give too many details, but I will give the basics. I've had two negative sexual encounters in my life, and for some reason I feel that they are effecting my mental health.
I don't know if it's just me glorifying these negative thoughts, and I should just get over it, or it isn't, and it is something more serious.

First.
occurred under the influence [1st & last] at a friend's house. She and her boyfriend went somewhere. I was left alone most of the time & felt intoxicated but not black out drunk; his uncle came home. I was 18 the other person involved was in their forties. He was not drunk at all. I know if I was not drunk I would have never let him.

The second.
Occurred right after. At the time it felt like I was on a downward spiral. I was so depressed, guilty, and afraid. Before that I barely even had my first kiss. Personality wise I was pretty innocent and having had that happen to me really effected me. My already low self-image pretty much went to dirt honestly. Anyway the next encounter was this guy whom was my friend's boyfriend's friend. He was also older in mid twenties and this occurred about 1 1/2 months after.
I met him before. He was actually my first kiss. He invited me to come to his house to hang out. I honestly didn't understand what that really meant. When I showed up I was very dissapointed. He was forceful, but not in a direct physical way. I could have left. Being really quiet, shy, and low I didn't protest. Basically my self-esstem was so low that I just gave in. I knew at the time it was bad, but ti was almost like I didn't help myself because I wanted to punish myself for before.Too be honest with you I barely even remember it when it happened. I actually felt like dying there. When I drove home I got pulled over actually by a cop... I was so nervous. I never talked to him after that. Afterwards though I couldn't look at myself for a very long time, and I couldn't stop shaving. I still can't watch a certain show because it was in the background and there's other things like I really hate his name and I'm afarid of seeing his car.

Since then I left those friends [my only friends at the time[I was good friends with her for 8 years]] When i told her these feelings she sort of dissmissed it. There were other problems to our friendship, but when she began almost ignoring me that just destoryed it. I couldn't stand being with them. I actually got a bit angry and told them I was cutting relations. I also said that i felt like I was raped, but not in a physical way. Mentally. Her boyfriend was really mean to me then. He told me all that was my fault, I was a blamer, and called me degrading names like a slut. It didn't end well.... And sometimes I'm afraid he's [violent] going to come after me because it was his uncle & his friend & his girlfriend.


I'm not sure what I'm feeling right now or what I have been feeling over the past couple months. Or how I should feel. To be honest I just want to forget it, and move on. But for some reason I can't.


I want to stop thinking about it. Things have gotten much better in my life.But I still sometimes can't flush away these ....memories, or feelings. I was very happy today oddly enough and for some reason a few hours ago I couldn't get the thoughts out of my mind, and I feel sick, like I'm going to have a panic attack, and I can't go to sleep, and I feel just horrible, and it's not okay.