I hate to be another "I'm fat" post, but I just need some feedback on this.

My relationship with food is so screwed up. I used to be healthy, and I lost some weight the healthy way, and then I went overboard and became really restrictive, lost too much weight, was eating like 800 calories a day + I was running. And then I just cracked and started eating a ton and in a year...a year! I gained 45lbs. I hear people complain because they gained 10lbs in a year! I've gained 45!!! You can imagine how ashamed I feel. How embarrassing it is to see people I know. I eat healthy foods and still exercise but I can't seem to find balance.

I hate to be a victim but I've never felt so incapable.

I think I need help but I don't feel like I deserve help when I am fat. I feel like the only way I can get help is if I'm anorexic or something, and I know that's stupid but it's true.
I don't know what to do.