My mother died when I was 15. She was always my only friend and I never had friends, partly because I don't have fingers on my left hand. However, in the last years of my life with her she became very angry and uncontent with what I am, she humiliated me a lot, called me names and we fought. So, in the last year it became evident we would not have been able to live together any more because of her attitude. She died of a brain tumor. I found myself totally alone. My father is 52 years older than I. We did not live together and he always lived separately. We are not friends and he can't help. He just brings now food and he knows that I want do die.
So, that made attending school difficult but I continued to attend because I communicated with an American sponsorship organization (I am from Russia and am now here again) which provide scholarships for foreign youth. In summer 2007 I arrived there. In 10 days they sent me back because we did not like each other and because the college I was supposed to attend was Baptist while I am not Baptist.
I had money enough to complete only an A.A. So -----just because I was alone in Russia again, and because for te past 2 years I expected myself to be out of it - I went a second time. Also, there is a dog in my apt. building who attacked me, so that really was among the main reasons to go to the US a second time.
I applied to a host family and thought they would become my friends. It did not happen. I spent 15 months there - 5 at the host family who once humiliated me and giggled, and treated bad, and 10 months in a room for rent. At the community college I expected teachers to somehow become my friends. It did not happen either. I fell in love with male teachers in my dreams. I had NO live communication.

It has been 18 months after I returned from those ravings---home again, and I did alsmot nothing because my eyes sight is blurry when I think about ravings that happened in America, the ugliness I was into and self-deception.
I tried going to the university here - for an English langiage program, because I can't choose any other specialization. However, after having been to an Eng-speaking country it fewlt wierd. And the students did not become my friends either. I can't get into society. I have been alone for 5 years without a single friend. It is unbearable!!!!