I was very overweight as a child and I was always treated differently by my peers and my family. I started to really hate myself around the end of middle school though and basically stopped eating. Then when I began to eat a little, I became bulimic. And then, when I stopped myself from purging, I became excessive with working out. After school I would go to the gym for 2 and a half hours. This took place all through highschool and college, and now I'm 22. Today I hate myself more than ever, yet I havn't been excessive about my diet or exercise in over a year. In that time I have however not been able to control my diet and eat way too much. Sometimes all I can think about is food even when I'm not feeling hungry. I always feel bloated and fat. I think I'm absolutely disgusting and ugly. I can't tell you how much I hate myself. Besides being obsessed with my weight I hate the size and shape of my eyes, the shape of my face, nose and lips. I hate my deformed butt, my fat thighs, my jiggling arms, my small boobs, my lumpy stomach my cellulite, and even my toes. Though most people say that there's nothing wrong with me and I'm skinny and beautiful, I never feel it...EVER. I've had liposuction when I was 19 years old. At that time I was 135 to 140 lbs and 5'8. I can never stop thinking about the things I hate about myself. I even tried purging again a few days ago. I used to cut myself but just think about doing it now. Alot of times I get suicidal thoughts but Im sure I wont act on them. Tonight I hated myself so much I slipped away from my boyfriend and locked myself in the bathroom and cried for an hour and kept clawing myself out of frustration and disgust. My mom has always made comments about my weight or looks, and I never feel good enough for her even though I know she loves me. My brother admitted to me that he told people he didn't love me when I was fat a long time ago even though he too went through his weight issues and starved himself too. I'm sorry this is probably all over the place and confusing, I'm just typing whatever comes to mind this isn't even the whole story believe it or not. I just don't know what to do with myself anymore. I don't know if I just have the mindset of someone with an eating disorder, if I'm OCD about my weight, if I have body dysmorphic disorder, a combination of the three, or something else i haven't thought of before. All I know is I need help but I don't have the money to afford it, so I want anyone's opinion on what they think of me, what may be wrong with me and what I should do.