im a guy, and so when i was a kid, crying was not ok, ever.. my dad was one of those "quit crying or ill give you something to cry about," type parents. but he was also the type to stare you down when he spoke to you, and he would speak in a voice that would probably to this day scare me.
well, as a kid i was branded a crybaby in elementary, and as i remember it, i didnt go a day without crying. I hated myself, in elementary i hated myself, because i became so worried i would cry. the paranoia probably made me more apt to it... well these bouts of "crying" i think might have been panic attacks...
it sounds stupid, but i think this because of an episode of the real world that i saw. this girl would have panic attacks everytime she drank, and the thing that got to me was the fact that that was exactly how i remembered my bouts of crying... gasping needlessly for air, face red, trying to talk but unable to say a word... I would try to say im alright, because i was trying to stop cryin
In 3rd grade I missed 80+ days of school with the whole, I don’t feel good, excuse… After elementary, I made a conscious attempt to abandon everyone who branded me and knew me, I hated how they saw me… but I went to school with them until I graduated earlier this year, to this day I have never again spoken to the vast majority…
I managed to get rid of the bouts of crying by middle school, but in its place was, and still is, a huge overwhelming insecurity about everything… by that I mean I have depression, not diagnosed, but you don’t need to be a doctor to know that something’s wrong when you literally hate yourself for a reason you don’t know…
Well my question is did I have panic disorder? And could that have influenced my antisocial… instinct, I guess would be the only way to put it.

Ive heard of agoraphobia arising in panic disorder patients, but im more afraid of social situations than being ‘outside.’
Anyways, im going to get help in the near future, I am just hoping to find out if my suspiscions could be true…