dealing with spousal masturbation
I recently discovered that my wife often masturbates after reading romance novels and often while I'm still home. At first I was sickened by the thought and felt that my wife was cheating on me. Especially since I'd made sexual advances that same night. I was very upset by the whole thing and threatened to divorce her if it didn't stop. She was apologetic and begged me not to leave her and we have since been working things out. I often masturbate myself and realize that it doesn't make sense for me to be angry at her for doing the same. I've done a lot of reading about it, and apparently it is a very normal thing for married women to masturbate as well as have intercourse with their spouses. After all, it's a normal thing for married men to masturbate as well. Sex is a complicated and sometimes drawn out affair, and occasionally you or your spouse may just want relief with no strings attached.
You should try talking with your wife to find out what the specific reason is that she feels more comfortable with masturbation. Only when you know what's causing her to feel this way can the two of you try to work things out together. It can be anything from feeling pressured to orgasm during sexual intercourse to feeling self conscious when experiencing pleasure, to a variety of any other explanations. This is something the two of you will have to talk about and work on together. Just remember - masturbation is a natural and normal occurrence even for married people.
You yourself probably feel the same betrayal and anxiety I originally felt when I discovered my wife masturbating. I felt as though I wasn't able to satisfy her myself and that she needed to go outside our marriage bed to get what she wanted. But after doing a bit of reading (alot of reading) I have discovered that this isn't the case. And while these feelings of anxiety and betrayal are a normal reaction, they are not a healthy one. I can't speak for you, but after doing a bit of soul searching I discovered that my feelings were arising from my low self-esteem. I would suggest that if you feel the same way I did, you take a look at a few of the following sites' articles. They helped me to feel better about the whole situation and may work for you as well.
Married Masturbation: Q&A with Dr. Gardos -- MyPleasure.com (Married Masturbation Q&A)
Masturbation in Marriage (masturbation in marriage)
I know the 2nd one is a christian site but bear with me. It still has a few good points about why people masturbate despite longstanding mutual sexual relationships. It may help you to read these articles together with your partner. I know it helped me.
As a side note, some of my anxiety resulted from an insecurity about the size of my penis. The vibrator my wife was using for masturbation is 8 inches long. Although my penis is of average size (ranging from 5.5 to 6 inches erect) I felt inadequate, most likely because of watching too much porn in which the actors are specifically selected by penis size and not necessarily by ability to please a woman. After reading this article, I felt much better about the whole situation in general. It helped me to realize that while women may enjoy using large vibrators occasionally it does not mean that they do not enjoy sex with a man who has an average size penis as well.
Vibrator Envy: Q&A with Dr. Gardos -- MyPleasure.com (vibrator envy)