Thread: Is this a good beginning to my story?

My body ached as my dad pulled the car into our new house, in England. I don't want to be here. Especially, the fact that our house is old from like, the 1500's. I regret coming here. "We're here!" My dad cheered. I can't believe he's excited about this. My brother, Lucas, hopped out of the car. I got out slowly and grabbed my bags. I took a deep breathe and walked inside. "Well are you going to pick out your rooms?" My dad said. I shook my head. "Whatever." My brother said. My dad rolled his eyes. Ever since my mom died they've fought. I walked upstairs and the floors creeked. I walked into the first room on the left. It was big. I felt a cold chill rush through me. I felt a presence in the room. Like I wasn't the only one in here. I looked around the room and no one was here. I shrugged it off and laid my bags down. My bed was already here. Been here for a while. I heard screaming from downstairs. I grabbed my iPod and headphones and went downstairs. "Why do I have to?" I heard my brother scream. "Because I said so!" My dad screamed back. I had no idea what they were screaming about. "I'm going for a walk." I said. "Okay." My dad said. I walked out the door and went up the hill.

It's okay, but there's a few errors I noticed. In the first sentence there shouldn't be a comma before "in". In the second sentence there's no need for the comma after "Especially". Also, you're sentences seem to stop abruptly. You either need to put a semi-colon or an em dash. For example: I walked into the first room on the left — it was big. You know, something like that. Also, it should be "I took a deep breath" not "I took a deep breathe". There's a difference between the two. Breath is the inhalation or exhalation of air from the lungs. Breathe is the act of inhaling or exhaling. There's one last thing I'd like to add: You need to separate it into paragraphs or else it'll be one big chunk of words and no one would bother reading it.