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The grammar is bad, the format is bad. I will fix your first paragraph as an example.
Your version:
Walkin up to him I said nervously," hi ".
The man replied.I noticed that he had a round face,cold grey eyes that fidgeted around their sockets allittle too exuberantly and pale sallow face.He was wearing black robes that was a little long for him.
My Version:
Walking up to him I nervously said "Hi. "
The man replied. I noticed that he had a round face, cold grey eyes that fidgeted around their sockets a little too exuberantly and pale sallow face. He was wearing black robes that were a little long for him.
First off, "Walkin" has a g at the end. Periods go INSIDE quotation marks, just like any other punctuation.
The man replied. What did he say?
In the last sentence, WAS should be WERE. the "robes that WERE a little long for him." not the "robes that was as little long for him."
There is always 2 spaces after a period and 1 space after a comma. Dialogue is always a new paragraph unless the same character continues to speak after a short break.
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