What do you think of my writing?

Brittany

Member
May 11, 2008
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16
Chapter 1
1 " I finally have you cornered."
2 Aurora Dragomir smiled at me, her tiny dimples flashed at me, crossing her arms against her chest, leaning her small frame against the slink gray door.
3 So innocent yet deadly.
4 "You can't ignore me me forever," she said.
5 I pointingly ignored her and walked over to the sinks to wash my hands. In the corner of my eye I saw her turn the lock on the door and walk up and watch me closely. It didn't impress me that she didn't need the key to keep me in, not that a locked door will help her case. I was sick and tried of her persisting to come to what they call their high school parties, though it's not to hang around and have fun like anyone thinks. No, it was quite the opposite it was to talk about business.
6 I sighed and walked over to grab some paper towels to dry my hands. Some times like this I wish I was in one of those fancy borading schools where they actually can help their bathrooms clean, and not gray and depressing. Not to mentain it stuck in here.
7 Licking my lips I looked in the mirror and brushed my hair behind my hair. I looked really pale under the dim lights and my hair wasnt helping matters. If anything I looked better than I had in weeks.
8 Aurora shifted on her feet, the lights overhead flickered her annoyance. She can be such a sweet girl, yet when she set her mind on something she wont give up. I knew she wasnt leaving this time, unless I talked to her. After all this time to finally get me alone, she will not easily give up this chance, not in a long shoot.
9 After appliying a little bit of lip gloss, I turned to face her head on. Aurora Dragomir wasnt a force to be reckined with. She wore a cute camel woolen coat, that flowed down her waist like a skirt, wearing knee length boots, and a designer purse to match. Not to mentain her blonde hair made it look exotic considering it looked about white. She looked so perfect, and out of place in this plain, dull bathroom.
10 "What do you want Aurora?" I asked, knowing full well of what she wanted. "This better not be what I think it is."
11 Bubbles, as my friends called her, looked down and bit her lip nervously. Of course, that was what she wanted to talk about.
12 Finally, she looked up her eyes guarded. "It took me a long time to get you alone. I did what you wished and stayed outside of your personal space at home. But I will not walk away this time, Skyler. No matter how much you run away, this will be dealt with one way or the other. So you might as well let me speak now."
13 I searched her face, for any glimpses of doubt, but instead I saw pure dermination. I knew I couldnt avoid it forever but I had to try. I didnt want to but involved than I already was yet I knew Jared would send her persisently, knowing I wouldnt allow myself to have any harm come to her. And I hated that I had a soft spot for this girl.
14 "Fine, Bubbles but you only have five minutes." I said pulling out my phone looking at the time. "Starting now."
15 Aurora frowned at the stupid nickname. Everyone didnt it without her knowing. They thought she looked so sweet and innocent as a newborn baby, she looked like she couldnt hurt a fly. It a shame that it prvents me from pounding her face in. Which was ironic really, I was like everyone else. Took her under my wing and stood up for her when she needed it the most. However, she didnt need it. She never did.
16 "Jared wants you to come over tonight." She whispered quietly. "He even said you can bring Margaret."
17 Guilt hit me like a bull train, for ignoring her for all these months.
18 "Maria," I murmured.
19 "What," she seemed gueninely surprised that I havent walked away yet. Which made me feel even worse.
20 "It's Maria," I repearted a little bit louder.
21 She nodded and looked in the mirror avoiding my eyes, getting far and distinct. I shifted and started to fiddled with a string on my pants. It wasnt entirely Aurora's fault, she was only taking orders, but I still couldnt get passed her betrayel.
22 I amazed me she could always look at me in the face and lie. Then again who doesnt.
23 I turned towards the mirror while she followed my every move, digging in my worn out backpack, I took out a brush. The thing was old, and made of wood that still smelled of my mother's perfume. Reminding me of what we once had.
24 "So are you going to come?" she continued to whisper.
25 "It's not like I have a choice do I? If I kept this up I bet he would come after me himself and force me to talk." I said, smiling slightly without humor. "No matter how far I run he will keep on persuring me till my legs give out and I cant run any further. At every corner he will be there, if not himself, one of his groupies."
 
I thought it was pretty bad. I don't normally say that, but here's why.

First, it's all in one freakin' block. Add double spaces at paragraphs, it'll give less headaches.

Second, what's with the numbers? Do they mean something? It's just awkward at this points.

Thirdly, what? What just happened and why do I give a damn about these characters? I haven't been given any reason to care about what just happened, and I don't really want to read more.
 
You are really talented! You should write for people! There is a site called "Quotev" Where you can write books, journals, poems, quizzes, ect, and you can choose whether or not people can read them, but you can also choose covers for your books. It allows followers, too. I write books on there all the time. You should really take a look at that! You can also go to it through facebook. It's completely free and safe. You've got some skills!! :D
 
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