i think of my mom as a joke?

[Samueljackson]

so my parents are separated and im fourteen so i have to live with them, my dad is a cool dude who respects me and treats me like i am his friend while being a good father and teaching me about important things in life, and not the awkward biased things other normal parents try to teach, like my dad teaches me to respect others, how to defend myself, and how to get girls to like me. he is very poor and an honest working man (electrician and home depot to pay the bills) now he smokes and drinks so hes much more relaxed and chill than my mother, but that doesnt change that he cares about me and tries to do whats right for me. i smoke a lot of weed and roll at raves and drop acid to the point where when i focus on certain objects they begin to wiggle and rotate, and when i really start to examine my mom, i cant help but laugh hysterically at the things she does, like yell about things that are seemingly entirely unimportant, how short, fat, mexican she is, i point these things out to my brother thinking we might share the same hilarious opinion about the things she does but he always looks at me like if im crazy and asks me what im even talking about, same thing when im in school, my teacher looks funny to me and not a single person has the same views on things that i do knowing this because of the awkward silence following when i cant help but to laugh, i have to act like a totally different person at school, and not like normal kids have to, but i mean i really have to watch and plan out every step i make as to not appear ridiculous, i have lots of friends and everyone appears to adore the person i am at school, i even hear some kids are jealous of me, but oh how i am jealous of them.... i am CONSTANTLY thinking, researching, when i am not skateboarding or hanging out with my "friends", always questioning reality and my existence, how this so called universe came to be, if it is real, i dont even think anything really exists, and trying to discover new ways to "unlock" myself, releasing the chakras through intense meditation, experimenting with mescalene, psychoactive drugs, and a lot of the time just sitting in an empty room breathing with my eyes cloes searching through my mind to try to find all the answers to who i am. noone understands me, and thinking of that is when i start to realize that it all may just be in my head.. ive expressed my feelings with one other person, my girlfriend at the time, and her face was frozen in shock at the realization that i was a completely different individual than the one she "knew", she continued to tell me i was extremely paranoid, she dumped me the next day. should i continue to live a lie? or one of complete misunderstanding? should i just stop doing drugs for the possible damage they could have done, a lot of the time i just feel like tearing my face off to see whats underneath, to choke myself and break my bones to know whats on the other side, then i exit my mind and every noise i hear is driving through my eardrum like a sharp nail splitting my brain into two, i wish i could reach into myself physically and reorganize my parts to operate more efficiently. is there any way for me to be more intelligent if i stop? although i am smart and have skipped grades, maintaining a 3.8 in tenth grade in advanced classes even though i perform "below my apparent ability level", as the school likes to call it, due to my lack of motivation to do work, making up for it with high test scores. so i know im not dumb, but im almost sure im paranoid. can jesus cure me of the long term effects of rolling, lsd? i dont believe in anything but i have gone to confirmation and i felt it to be a very spiritually enlightening experience (though not comparable to deep meditaion which induces hallucination). has anyone been reversed entirely psychologically thanks to jesus? and do you honestly feel you wouldnt prefer to live any other way? do any of you recommend a religion that could change my life around for the better that has helped you or someone you know? and last of all do you think i honestly sound crazy? what kind of person do i sound like? (sorry about this
question being so unorganized it was PERFECT and i mean PERFECT the first time i tried to upload
it on my phone but accidentally erased it >>>> thank you for your time
I was really just trying to show that I'm not stupid with my "self proclaimed intelligence" and trying to prove that I could have a future, and that there is hope, sorry for those of you who took it the wrong way, and to those who answered besides paulina thank you I feel a little better now and I've decided to stop a lot of my drug use over a five week period, thanks once more and have good lives
and another thing I forgot to mention is I hate my mom so much because she beat me intensely as a child and I still have vivid memories of then, my dad used to do what he could to stop her, she also used to kick me out of the house even late at night, I used to run away all the time, but she would call the police and when they brought me back she would pretty much pretend to be mother of the year, she calls me names and treats me completely different than my siblings. so there's that bit of information for you, anything else?