Im 22 years old. finished college. About to go for an internship abroad, and continue with a mastersprogram abroad as well.
Just for the record, i come from a messed up family, have selfconfidence issues, and probably some personality disorders, which make it hard for me to adapt to change.
Im so afraid of what the future holds. Its like, when i look in the future i dont really see myself. Theres this discontinuation thats killing me. I have moved away from home with 16. But now its kinda even worse. On college, for the first time i had some structure, some friends. I even have a bf of 3 years, and this relationship might fail, when i move away. This is all driving me insane. I feel such a terror inside. I dont know how to maintain positive thinking. I try to but the emotion inside of me doesnt change.
One more thing ( It is kind of weired and crazy I know) is the thought i keep on thinking, and it wont leave my mind. Maybe its irrational, but i cannot evaluate at this point. I keep on thiking how if i break up with my current bf, i will get drawn to someone else, become dependent on someone else, begin a relationship, and change who i am. I dont know why i think this way, because it scares me. Its like when i look into the future i see an alianated me. I think that Ill marry someone abroad, and leave all this that i have right now behind (this little bit of family life that i have left) . Its like im already mourning the way i live today.
I also think that I am not in control of my life, and that I am a very dependent individual. I am aware that I depend on my bf a lot. He is very different, and i so admire this about him. He takes those things ahead of us very cold and calculated. And i feel like its the end of the world, literraly, i feel like Im losing myself. My life.
I know that this dependency feeling has a lot to do with the screwed up life i had so far. I am dependent, and need reassurance all the time, I have very low selfconfidence (although I know I look very good, and I am basically smart), and Im just so insecure.
All of those changes ahead of me make me very scared, and i think that due to my past, I dont have a good protection mechanism, that would help me get a balance inside (rationalise my fears of the future, and realise that it is all normal). Please anyone tell me if there is a possibility to overcome this dependency feeling, this anxiety feeling, when i did not manage to gain independence feelings,and selfconfidence in my early life. Will i forever stay this way? I just want to be able to be happy by myself. It would help me loose many fears of losing people im close to, and would help me get happiness back. I dont want to be afraid of the future, I want to be happy.
oh and my bf himself told me that if i go abroad (he will go abroad as well) but if we move to different cities, he thinks its best to break up...
Just for the record, i come from a messed up family, have selfconfidence issues, and probably some personality disorders, which make it hard for me to adapt to change.
Im so afraid of what the future holds. Its like, when i look in the future i dont really see myself. Theres this discontinuation thats killing me. I have moved away from home with 16. But now its kinda even worse. On college, for the first time i had some structure, some friends. I even have a bf of 3 years, and this relationship might fail, when i move away. This is all driving me insane. I feel such a terror inside. I dont know how to maintain positive thinking. I try to but the emotion inside of me doesnt change.
One more thing ( It is kind of weired and crazy I know) is the thought i keep on thinking, and it wont leave my mind. Maybe its irrational, but i cannot evaluate at this point. I keep on thiking how if i break up with my current bf, i will get drawn to someone else, become dependent on someone else, begin a relationship, and change who i am. I dont know why i think this way, because it scares me. Its like when i look into the future i see an alianated me. I think that Ill marry someone abroad, and leave all this that i have right now behind (this little bit of family life that i have left) . Its like im already mourning the way i live today.
I also think that I am not in control of my life, and that I am a very dependent individual. I am aware that I depend on my bf a lot. He is very different, and i so admire this about him. He takes those things ahead of us very cold and calculated. And i feel like its the end of the world, literraly, i feel like Im losing myself. My life.
I know that this dependency feeling has a lot to do with the screwed up life i had so far. I am dependent, and need reassurance all the time, I have very low selfconfidence (although I know I look very good, and I am basically smart), and Im just so insecure.
All of those changes ahead of me make me very scared, and i think that due to my past, I dont have a good protection mechanism, that would help me get a balance inside (rationalise my fears of the future, and realise that it is all normal). Please anyone tell me if there is a possibility to overcome this dependency feeling, this anxiety feeling, when i did not manage to gain independence feelings,and selfconfidence in my early life. Will i forever stay this way? I just want to be able to be happy by myself. It would help me loose many fears of losing people im close to, and would help me get happiness back. I dont want to be afraid of the future, I want to be happy.
oh and my bf himself told me that if i go abroad (he will go abroad as well) but if we move to different cities, he thinks its best to break up...