Can you take a look at my incomplete story and give constructive criticism?

clouno1

New member
Jul 9, 2010
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Crow coughed out their sorrowful tune to create a world of misery and disarray. An olive colored tree is where it happens. Blood stain still mark the spot where I lay and my soul will be lost for all eternity. I float, dangling in the air, and hope that someone can hear my story.

I recall moments in time before my death, but it only feels like dreams. I was twenty five and I was going to marry a woman of my dreams. Her name I can’t recall, but what she wore and looks like is very vivid. She was in her mid twenties and wore black constantly. She had black purses, eye liner, dresses, shoes, sandals, you name it and she had it black. Her eyes are the color of hibernating grass. It seems like gold in a distance. Her face was nearly flawless. She had well rounded lips and the smell of autumn was placed near her cheeks. Her voice was like a siren of legends that pull all men towards it. Her hair was once the color of gold, but the time I’m recalling she was with the hair of a beautiful black widow with red streaks at the sides.

Me and my soon to be wife was at a club at 81 East Van Buren Street and the only memory I have with her. Me and my soon-to-be wife of mine was sitting at the bar drinking whiskey and rum practically out of the barrel to consult are successes in our relationship. I was completely wasted when I saw this man hitting on my soon-to-be wife. I was entirely determined to beat the living crap out of him, but I needed to get up. I wobbled to the chair where he sat and tapped him lightly on his face. That tap was supposed to knock him down, but I was too weak.

Out of frustration I pull my soon-to-be wife away from the man and the man got aggressive with me. He didn’t appreciate my attempts to hurt him and take my wife to be away. He hurled a barrage of fist to my direction and left me nearly crippled. I saw my wife to be walk out the door in the back and I followed limping. I heard my wife to be scream and I open the door to see that man rape her. I was helpless in defeating him and I got shot in my arm with the revolver he kept hidden between his legs. He stood up and walked towards me. He pointed the gun, and fired it at me. I open my eyes to see my wife to be on top of me. Blood blossom from her lips and everything else goes blank.

Someone found my body. It was a little boy. He looks about ten. I tried to cover his eye, but my effort was in vain. He walks through my hand and went to my corpse. He started to talk.

“Hi, why are you sleeping hear, can you talk, do you have any friends, and why are all alone in that red stuff? Is that blood?” he said with a curious expression on his face.

“My name is Dillon, what’s yours?” Dillon said with a big huge smile and scratching his belly. He crouches over and starts to poke my rotting face.

“Can you hear me!!!?” Dillon screech at the top of his lungs. He became agitated and poked at me harder. His face expression change and he seemed like he wanted to kill me. Ten minutes gone by and he still poked at me as relentless as the minute before.

“I’m telling daddy. You better not leave here. He’s going to beat you like he beats me.” Dillon said while running towards the direction he came. I followed him to his father and watch him try to get his attention. Five minute pass and his father somehow still ignored him. Ten minutes pass and nothing still happen. It took a whole full hour for Dillon to get his father attention.

“Daddy, daddy, daddy, daddy, theirs this man. This man won’t talk to me. All he does is lay on the floor in red stuff. I tried everything to get his attention. He didn’t get angry when I poked him like I do to you.” said Dillon with an innocent expression on his face.

A manifestation of fear came across his father’s face and said “ w-where did that red stuff come from?”
Dillon, realizing his father’s feelings, retreated his smile, and changed it to a frown.

“Red stuff came from all these holes on his body”

“W-Where is he, I must know” fear jolted in both of their expressions. The father pulled out his phone and called 911.

“Daddy… he is sleeping over their near the red tree.” Five minute pass and an officer appeared.

“I’m officer Martinez. I have a report of a body in this area.” The officer seemed a little lazy and tired. He looked at them with a sharp glare.

“Umm we were the one that called. My son here found a body in the woods over there, right?’ he looked at Dillon expecting him to respond quickly, but he was confused.
“Daddy I didn’t find a dead body. I found a man with red stuff all over.” Dillon used his hand to emphasize that it was all over. The cop looked at that child as if he didn’t believe him.
“Did you actually see the body that your son mentioned?”
“No, but I would like you to see to make sure, please.”
 
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