a rant while i decide to seperate or not.?

[esttesttestt]

so last night i took our son trick or treating for a few hours, didnt bring my cell phone and told my husband before we left, i have no pockets, im not bringing my phone. hes a drinker, never physical mostly just annoying. so hes drinking and either forgot or it just never registered that i didnt have my phone. were walking back towards the house and theres kids knocking on our door and getting no answer and walking away, so i go back home and all the doors are locked. i pound on the side and back doors and he doesnt open them. bear in mind my son is with me, its a little chilly and im wearing a skirt. i have to pry open a bedroom window and climb in from a stepladder. my husband is on the couch, drunk, says he was sick of trick or treaters and mad that i didnt take my phone. my purse is dumped out on the table and my phone is missing. i call it and call it and locate it outside tucked under the back tire of his vehicle, like hes planning on running it over. he tends to 'need' to call me when hes drunk, if i dont answer for whatever reason (im at work, ive only been gone for 1/2 an hour,were at the y, etc.) he will call over and over. this is the first time hes hidden my phone but he has locked me out of the house before. like i said, he hasnt been physically abusive he just pulls this extremely juvenile crap. making messes in the kitchen, dropping his clothes wherever he takes them off, sometimes getting so trashed he wets the bed. im embarrassed on his behalf because our 6 year old is just starting to realize that dads kind of an ass and for myself because its very isolating to never have friends over or go as a family or couple to school or social functions (or for date nights), plus its getting to be predictable and tiresome. he drinks most nights from the time hes out of work until he winds up in bed watching tv. i dont say much anymore, plus i cant move out right now, i have no family to i can move in with and not much money of my own. its not so bad id consider a womens shelter, besides i wouldnt consider making my son leave his pet and his own home to prove a point, or to send him to a sitter while i work 50 hours a week to afford our own place and pay the sitter, and most likely have to change schools. im not quite 40 and cant imagine spending the rest of my life with a man who acts like this. he works very hard and is a good provider,hes intelligent and funny when hes sober. ive been told in the past to cut him some slack because of this(and i have) but as a family man he just sucks and im craving affection. tonight i almost registered with a dating site just for fun but didnt. im struggling with depression and clearly he is too. regardless, im thinking about persuing sole custody in case i do have to move out in a hurry (hes told me that if i leave i wont be taking our son, not sure how that would go since hes the breadwinner and im the homemaker) and im definitely having the car i drive thats in his name switched over to my name. ive been told that the sole custody process is very long and complicated and id be embarrased to start it if i wasnt going to be granted at least primary custody. ive discussed seperation with him before and he wasnt into it, i was suprised because if he couldnt stand me and thats why he drinks why wouldnt he want a mutually agreeable seperation? i was trying to do him a favor and let him 'break up' with me so to speak. in that case id have to move out but maybe id get some social services help to get into an apartment. it could be because he just likes someone there to take care of him and clean up after him and no other woman would ever sign up for it. my son and i arent especially needy or annoying, we dont even have a chance to be because as i said he goes right to the back porch for a stogie and booze after work. thanks for letting me vent on you all , if you have any comments that would be fine and thank you to the yahoo community, as i would never say any of this to my family or neighbors.
you have a great point, bruce. im hoping that my son is getting the opposite message because i dont badmouth his dad and he sees for himself that a drunken absentee man does not a fun or supportive daddy make. and eventually he will expand on that to realize that a drunk doesnt make a good spouse either.
thank you, babette! my husband has never told me that i make him miserable or im the reason that he drinks, thats why im sure hes struggling with other aspects of his depression, i just wanted to clarify that hes never outright blamed me or cited me as a reason for his drinking.

 

[Missy]

Your making excuses for him: he works hard and is the breadwinner, it's not that bad. First, you would have to talk to an attorney in your state, but as far as sole custody of your son, unless he is actually violent I don't know why they would give you sole custody (but I'm not in the legal profession as far as that goes). If your going to leave him, they you have to stand by it. Having been there, you may go back because he says he'll change but it's kinda doubtful. Sounds like ya'll both are somewhat co-dependent and that's not a healthy relationship, you dependent on him making the money, he's dependent on you for everything his mommy might have done for him.
You can try counseling, maybe it may help, I don't know cause I don't know you personally.
But like I said already, if you do leave, find somebody you can stay with, a friend maybe since you don't have family in the area. But please do what's right for your kid, dragging him back and fourth while ya'll make up and then leave again a few months later isn't good for him, so IF you leave, that should be your final answer, that's why maybe try counseling first, see if you get through to him that way. Should you leave him, there is help out there and money should not be your top concern of why you shouldn't leave.
Just my thoughts, hope this helps you in some way. I'm just telling it as I lived a similar situation as many others have. It's tough, you can't stand to stay but you can't leave, I understand.

Just an edit to the post above mine, just cause he's an alcoholic doesn't mean your gonna get sole custody of your son......hell when my parents divorced, my mom CAME TO COURT DRUNK and the judge gave her custody of one of my brothers and my sister.....that's gonna depend on the judge's opinion and how good your lawyer is.