Frankly, I didn't really like it. For some reason, even though you jumped right into the action, I wasn't really hooked. It seemed to drag on a bit.
And it isn't very realistic. I quote:
"I'm seventeen, and I've been a vampire for about four hundred years."
"Seriously?" I was amazed.
They've...
The room had a high ceiling and a large picture window, giving me a view of the front lawn. The wall was cream-coloured, and the floor was covered with a soft carpet. The furniture looked antique, but in good shape, etc., etc.
I'd put it down after the first paragraph. Why? Because it's a one long run-on sentence.
Also, it doesn't really sound like the kind of thing I like to read.
Well, there are quite a few spelling errors, but I won't dwell on that.
Anyway, you have a few run-on sentences and awkwardly-worded sentences, so I would suggest you look over it again or get someone to proofread it for you.
The start of your story didn't really get me interested in reading...
Writing is different from speaking, but you can use words like kinda and 'cause in the dialogue of the characters if it fits. Just be sure to use it sparingly. If possible, use other words.
Edward says that in Eclipse.
Bella thinks that Edward is her life because she's a weak, helpless, in lust damsel-in-distress Mary Sue with the personality of cardboard.